Lover of the Light
by Mumford and Daughters
Summary: Post-Mockingjay Pre-Epilogue. The war is all over, but Katniss still has a hole in her heart.With the help of those she cares for, she carries on. PEENISS! T , to be on the safe side. There's some cussing. Love of the light is a song by Mumford and Sons. Enjoy, and Review! Feedback is loved.
1. Chapter 1 - Love The One You Hold

**AN: Sorry, I haven't written in forever. I love the Hunger Games so much that I don't want it to end. Enjoy this. Please. Review!**

Chapter one: Love The One You Hold

Nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. It had become part of my routine. I would go to sleep for a few hours, dream of all the people I brought down, and wake up, sticky in sweat, screening the name of an innocent person I had murdered.

Tonight, I cried for my precious, innocent sister, Prim. I killed her. It was my fault. She is dead, because of me. I should have died in her place. That's why I volunteered as tribute. Fought in the war. For some odd reason, even thought I protected her with all my might, I lost her. She slipped through my fingers. I wonder if she knew how much I loved her. How I ached day and night, with emptiness in my heart and mind, wanting to wither away. Why couldn't I just die? That would make things much easier. But, for some odd reason, I was still here. And I felt like shit.

I had talked with my mother a few days ago. She told me how things were going for her in district 4. She says She is happy. happier than she would be here. I kind of want her to be here. to have a familiar face of family around. to mend her heart. unfortunately, here, too much guilt is barren in the ground. I resent her for this.

She said that Gale was doing alright, that he found a nice place to live in and met a nice girl. For some reason, it stung to hear that. I didn't love gale in that way. It was just hard to hear that he was doing better than I was. That he was happier. I loathe him.

Is this what any of them would want? Would they want me to go on in life hating everything? And everyone? Would they want me to slowly fade away off this earth?

I'm stuck in this big, lonely house, usually by myself. Greasy Sae and her granddaughter come along twice a day to make sure that my stomach is full. It's usually just us. She part with me after I eat my meals, holding the small girls hands as they exit my home.

Home. Is that what I call this place? With the empty rooms of my mother and departed sister? This house is like a graveyard. It's filled with all my baggage. Prim is not baggage. My mother is. I want to clear out the rooms, but I don't have it in my heart. I'm a flaky mess. Literally.

It looks like it is around dawn when I wake. I try to get a few more hours of sleep, but it is useless. My nightmares of my little sister, Primrose, haunt me devilishly, leaving me restless.

I sat up in my bed for a few more hours until sunrise, reading my book. Missing Prim. I swing my legs over and stretch out, strip of my clothing, which has my excess skin flaked on the fabric. I toss it away, planning to burn the nasty clothes later on. I walk to the bathroom, running the water on the shower for a bit. Take a breath before stepping into the lukewarm mist and just stand there, thinking.

I want to move on from all of this. I've been trying my hardest, but it isn't enough. Why is it? If only everyone's best effort could be enough. If not, plenty. Must of people must feel like I do. Feel that even though the world says you succeeded, your heart tells you that you failed. I try to relax by letting the water wash my matted hair. Maybe that will help me brush it.

Do I even have a brush for my hair anymore? I might have thrown it during one of my tantrums. I've smashed a few things in this house. I've ripped the wallpaper in my basement, broke a window, and knocked a few doorknobs off doors. What can I say? It's a work in progress.

I get out of the shower and pat my skin dry carefully. I sit for a while, and then get ready to go out hunting. I brush out the wet, matted mess that is my hair, wringing all the water I can, afterwards putting a simple braid into my hair, then slipping on some decent clothes, grabbing my father's jacket, and then leaving.

Greasy Sae is standing at the door as I was about to leave the house. She gives me a small smile.

"Hunting is good for you, but you should fill your stomach a bit before you go".

I do as Greasy Sae instructs, eating the eggs and bacon she makes for me. Buttercup strolls into the room, sticking up his tail and waving it back and forth. She sneaks the arrogant cat a strip of bacon, and he gnaws on it happily before taking a dash. I give my farewell to Greasy Sae and go back upstairs. I forgot my socks.

I walk down the stairs when I notice the door swings open. There in a nice basket filled with bread and cheese buns. My head says that I need to get outside, do some hunting, and get some fresh air so that I can think straight. My stomach; the opposite.

Peeta.

He has been standing there quietly, holding flowers in his hands. But, those aren't just any flowers.

They are Primroses.


	2. Chapter 2 - I'll Be your Gold

AN: well, this one's longer, I think at least. Things get a little fluffy here. Enjoy, reviews appreciated!

Chapter 2 - I'll Be Your Gold

Peeta held the beautiful flowers in his arms. I freeze for a minute, take a breath, and then empty the contents from the vase in the kitchen. I take the empty vase with me, and nod to Peeta. The flames engulf the rose as I leave the house. I close the door behind me.

Before anything, I throw the boss against the brick wall of the house. We can add that piece to the list of things destroyed. Peers smirked delicately at the sight, while I pretended that it never happened.

He fell on his knees and started to dig small holes, to put the precious primroses in. I wanted to help them, but when I bend over to touch the petal of the delicate flower, I froze. The flower brought back gaudy memories. Memories that make me want to run upstairs, tear down the wall paper, and break the windows. I can hardly take it. I drop to the ground, pull my knees up to my chest, and cry so loudly, the noise echoes through the district.

Peeta stops planting the flowers to immediately come to my side. He sits me up and holds me with firm love, rocking me back and forth, making a hushing noise to calm me down. It worked, after a few attempts, leaving my face sticky and hot.

I was hoping that he could whisper 'not real, not real, not real' to me repetitively, but that wouldn't be true. What good would it do to lie to me? I knew it was true. I wanted to change that, but I knew that I couldn't.

"It's okay to let go of me now", I tell him. He smiles,

"I'm not sure I can do that for you, Katniss".

I wouldn't be caught dead blushing, but for some reason, I could feel more warmth in my cheeks. They must have been some shade of pink by now.

"Why don't we try something today? I have a place I'd like to show you", I suggested to him.

"That sounds like fun. Does it involve squirrel hunting? Bear wrestling?" Peeta asks. I suppress my laughter,

"No. It's a whimsical place. I used to go there often", I tell him.

"I like to try new things", Peeta states, "I'll get into something else, meet you down here soon".

I nodded, giving Peeta a small kiss on the cheek, and taking one last look at the primroses before walking back into the house.

I walked up the stairs to the bathroom, just to get an idea on how badly I was looking. It was pretty terrible.

My eyes were puffy, my cheeks practically stained red, and my bottom lip would not stop trembling. I turned the tap on and splashed cool water on my face, rubbing it into my eyes before using tea bags for my eyes, an old trick picked up by Effie Trinket. I grabbed a towel and pat my face dry, looking up in the mirror to see if I looked any better.

I started keeping tea in the bathroom after I got back from District 13. I had cried many a times about the people I missed. Sometimes, I couldn't see because of how much I cried, until I remembered Effie's old trick. Now, I cried to my heart's content without much suffering.

I didn't look like I was put through the wringer anymore, but my hair was frizzing up from the heat, and running grass into it. I took it out of the braid and picked the small blades from it, afterwards taking a brush and ridding the tangles from my tresses. I left my hair down, because I was just not in the mood to put another braid in it. I was a little extra lazy today.

I left the bathroom and finally went back to my room. I took off all of my clothing and put my father's jacket away. My shirt was fine to wear another day, but my pants had grass-stains all over the area where my non-existent butt sits. I threw it in my hamper before opening my closet, looking at my options.

Where I was taking Peeta today didn't require any fancy hunting boots, rubber pants. It was a simple, sweet area, where it would be quiet and undisturbed. Peeta made me want to improve myself. So, what way to make me a better me than putting on something different.

I bought a flowing, orange dress a while back. It wasn't a bright orange. It was like the sunset. I looked at it, and all I could think of was Peeta, how he had told me a long time ago that this was his favorite colour. The colour gave my stomach what Prim used to call 'fuzzies'.

Back when Prim was younger, and my father had recently died, Prim tried to connect with our mother. The two of them sat in front of the fireplace one day, and I overheard their conversation while I was preparing to go hunting.

"Mama, when did you fall in love with Papa?" Prim asked, her head down. Our mother's body language practically mimicked Prim's.

"When he sang, my dear", mother croaked.

"How did you know, Mama? What did it feel like?" Prim continued.

Mother cleared her throat before replying, "I could feel tingles from my temples, all the way down to my toes whenever he was near. My heart leaped when he hugged me. When I thought about him, my tummy got the fuzzies", she said.

That was the first time, since we found out that he was gone, that my mother mustered up a small smile for Prim.

That continued on to be my clearest memory of my mother, the hope in her eyes as she talked about my father. Me and Prim's dad. The way my mother loved his was amazing. I wanted to have a feeling like that someday. But at the same time, I was scared to love someone as much as my mother had loved my father

My survival solely .depending on being in love for a while. I had to pretend to feel things that I didn't know I could feel. I had to figure out for myself if it was real or not. But now that everything is over, I could feel the clarification from my fuzzies.

I truly loved Peeta. But, not just any Peeta. My Peeta.

Sometimes my Peeta would disappear for a short little while. My Peeta would get lost. I worried and worried for him. I tried to help him get better, which has been proven to be a lot more difficult than it sounds. When the scary Peeta takes over, I appreciate my Peeta a little bit more, every time. I've had my Peeta with me for a while now. We're on a streak.

Drifting off in thought, I forgot to keep track of time. I looked out the window to see Peeta standing there, patiently. I threw on the dress I had in my hands, bolted down the stair, slipped on some shoes, and exited the house.

"Sorry I took so long. There was a lot of grass in my hair", I told him.

"No worries", Peeta smiled. I could feel my toes tingling as he looked at me,

"I like your dress", he says. Of course he does. I picked it for them.

"It made me think of you. So, I got it", I said, looking down at it. I flattened the velvet collar of the dress and straightened it out before I took a good look at Peeta.

His hair was out of his face, which was a nice change. I always thought that it brought out his magnificent, blue eyes more when he moved his hair away. He was wearing a collared, short sleeve button up shirt, with a pair of beige pants. He looked like he did the first time I saw him, just a lot taller and manlier.

"Shall we go?", I asked him.

"Definitely. You should lead the way", he grinned. I smiled back, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear as we eased through town. I felt his hand touch mine lightly, before his finger slowly started to lace between mine. I looked at him for a second. He gazed back at me, and leaned over to kiss my cheek. I smiled at him, keeping him near and close.

"Have you taken a guess to where I'm going to take you?" I asked him. He shook his head,

"Not really, but it could make for a fun game", he said thoughtfully, "how about the forest?"

"Nope. I wouldn't wear a dress in the forest", I said while I shook my head.

"Are we going to get food?" He asked. I shook my head again.

"Are you taking me to a brothel?!" He asked.

"PEETA!", I asked. Then, the sun hit our faces, as we arrived to our destination.

"We're finally here", I whispered, the rays of the sun tickling my face, the smell of fresh grass around us.

The meadow was a place I had been to once or twice, between hunting with me and Gale. After 12 was blown to bits and I can back from 13, I waited to see if it would bloom again. And so, the beautiful land, covered with all sorts of beautiful shrubs and flowers, has finally returned.

"This place is...", Peeta trailed off.

"Incredible", I finished for him. I squeezed his hand lightly, "I used to love laying down it the beds if flowers", I say, taking off my shoes and sitting down in the fresh grass.

"It's truly beautiful, Katniss!", Peeta exclaimed. He sat down beside me and touched the ground, feeling the blades of grass between his fingers.

"There's all sorts of things here", I told him, rolling over to find katniss flowers were growing. It brought a small smile to my face. Peeta looked over to me, and grabbed a flower from the ground.

"Come here", he motioned, holding the bulb in his hand. I did what he asked me of, only to have him put the flower in my hair. He proceeded to decorate my hair continuously with the katniss flowers. When he finished, he brought the braid to the side of my face. He looked at me, stroking my cheek, and before I knew it, he was leaning in towards my face. I closed my eyes and leaned in with him as well, getting tingles in my toes as our lips connected. I held his face in my hands as he brought his hands to my back, holding me like a doll. His lips were soft, and his hands on my back made me feel like I was protected. He moved away from me after a while, both of us intoxicated from our mutual hunger for one another's lips.

"You're beautiful. Have I ever told you that?", he said. I raised an eyebrow,

"I don't recall. You've said a lot of things", I smiled, "you're pretty as well".

Peeta laughed with me before we got up, beating our clothes lightly before walking deep into the meadow, hand in hand, with my Peeta.


End file.
